Emo crap: one year of blogging

About one year ago (give or take a few days) I started “blogging”.

The overall results of this project are… poor. To put it mildly. I haven’t achieved at single one of my original goals: I haven’t found more focus in thought, I certainly haven’t become a better writer and I feel sometimes as if my language skills have regressed over last year.

I haven’t gotten satisfactorily across a single one of my ideas, even as they have progressed considerably in my head. My first attempts at “published” rational analysis were poor and succeeding ones got worse. My overall rating to this blog project is currently Major Failure.

Why and how have I failed?

1. I have written very little. I graduated this year from another college, so that’s one excuse. I’ve played MMO-s. Most importantly, my day work is quite similar – I simply must write stuff… about thing’s I don’t care enough about. After a day of staring at a laptop screen I often can’t see a computer when I’m home.

2. My few analysis attempts are poor, to say the least: too short, too vague, too safe. Reason? Compared to thinking, actually explaining what you think about is a time-consuming, hard work. My thought may jump from physics to philosophy to economy in a single hour and have some brilliant insights, but to spell it all out with necessary explanations and proofs is much less fun. It’s work. I’m not really talkative, have no “way with words” and have found that the best “explaining environment” for me is in front of a whiteboard, where I can draw neat little images and arrows while blathering like a lunatic. Unfortunately, my friends and family do not carry whiteboards around.

3. I’m too safe. Internet is not anonymous. I can’t write about everything that comes to mind or simply copy-paste my personal notes here; I must be ready to take responsibility for my words, especially when they differ from common understanding of things. If this is so, my words should at least be well thought through; defensible, getting the correct point across. On the other hand, in order to write a coherent text, I need certain “burning” feeling – and my emotions change quickly. If I keep checking every fact, explaining every definition, I won’t finish anything. And so I’ve become vague and pointless and have actually about 2 times more drafts than posts – things I write and rewrite and then simply don’t publish. If I explain too much, I won’t finish. If I explain too little, I’m not getting the point across.

4. I have posted a lot of emo crap, in order make up for real content. Usually I get an impulsive idea while drunk and post it here before I thinking things through. The blog evolved into a depository of emotionally motivated, pointless pictures and chatter, becoming exactly the opposite of what I intended. Which was – to become better understood. More known to my friends and family.

Now, does this mean that this blogging thing is over? Perhaps a sane man would call it a day at this point. But if there’s something I’m bad at, its giving up. I’m physically unable to do that. I give in quite easily, but I’m completely unable to leave something be until I feel it’s over – an attitude that has so far gotten me two useless college degrees and few punches to face. Not to mention couple of bullet holes in my reputation. The last thing, however, means less and less to me as the years pass.

To celebrate this new beginning (and my 30th birthday), I’m choosing a different layout. Here’s to courage, focus and another year of published thoughts!